a broken beauty

this is how i feel at work.

hahahahahahahaha. i laughed when i saw it.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.


Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.


It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. <3

"love is not a maybe thing. you KNOW when you love someone."
i frekin love lc. she knows what shes talking about. what a good quote =-P






mmkay. now for some fun..
inspired by ramon, i feel the need to give our superlatives to the wonderful micos at the carrabbas in which i am employed. to my fellow micos and former micos (ie marissa, ramon): feel free to comment, change, and add things.


most likely to create a fake call ahead........adam
most likely to complain..about EVERYTHING......ray
most likely to receive a bad tip b/c of attitude......jessica
most lilely to shark a table......linda
first to come see if theyre cut........paul
most likely to sleep with a manager......hahahahahaha
quietest sarcastic........susan
most likely to take an unwanted table....chin
most likely to be a future hostess.....biggie
most likely to be spotted at flirt......vinnie
most likely to give up a close....dom
most annoying.........troy
most likely to ask others to reach things for them...jazz
biggest flirt......ross
least likely to come in dressed...pat
quietest....puletti
most likely to get a big tip off an all male table.......tag
most liked by the hostess staff.....lynn
most likely to be your trainer/new sex partner.....bito
best closer....medina
most likely to come to work drunk.....amy



hahahahahaha funnnnyyy! if you think of more people or a new award for me to assign a person to leave a comment.

maybe i WILL walk for my graduation in december. it seems like an important thing when you get down to it. its symbolic of me walking away from the life ive been living and into a new stage. hm.




to all my graduated friends:
you worked so hard to get to this point in your life and no matter if you were in your room studying every day, or out until 3am and lucky if you made it to one class...you should be proud of how much you have accomplished in life. this is a big step and something that, despite the 2+ hour ceremony, not a whole lot of people are able to experience. consider yourself lucky for the $75,000+ piece of paper you receive in the mail..you earned every penny of it. do good things in life and make yourself proud more than anyone else. show the world what youre made of and change it one small step at a time. im so proud of you all!


haha..i should have given a speech at graduation. =-P

i hope everyone can read this. and i hope eveyrone does. and i hope everyone thinks about it and maybe learns to see things from someone elses point of view for once instead of being absorbed in their own little selfish egocentric world.

since when was it anyone elses business what i do with my life than mine? hm? since when? b/c i was not informed of this change and i feel if someone else is going to analyze my life and feels i should base my decisions off what they think, i feel i should be informed of this change. do you wanna know what i think? heres whati think.. GET AN EFFING LIFE! instead of obsessing about what im doing and worrying about the decisions im making why dont you try living your own life. jsut because your life is boring and theres nothing going on because i dropped you like you were hot doesnt give you the right to meddle in my life and my business. just because i dont talk to you anymore doesnt mean i care to hear your nasty, rude, and even demeaning comments about my life choices and how i wish to spend my free time. i dont care to hear what you think. i dont care if you think im making "wrong choices". i didnt ask you. and i dont care to hear the rude comments you make about my choice of friends. if i wanted you to control my life i would tell you. and even then it would be so effed up i wouldnt know what to do to fix it. people are so selfish and they have nothing better to do with their time than rip people apart and tear them down into tiny shreds. i dont need anyones moodswings. i dont care. i dont care. I DONT EFFING CARE what you think. my life. my choices. my free time. my friends. NOT YOURS. live your own life and stop being so concerned with how i live mine. if i decide to spend my time with people you dont care for, get over it. its what i wanted. im frekin over it and i swear to God the next person that has the AUDACITY to even dare open their mouth to me about my decisions i will punch you in your frekin face turn around and cut ALL ties with you. why dont you live your life and let me live mine.

MARCH 15TH:
if you can find him/her, then (s)he can find you.
if (s)he wants to find you, (s)he will.







MARCH 11/12:
question: what do you do when your boyfriend/girlfriend walks out?


answer: shut the door.




*** modified so everyone can enjoy my lovely thoughts for life. haha ;-) ***

I'm wandering the streets in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be
Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you

I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
AND CANNONBALL INTO THE WATER
I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
FOR YOU I WILL FOR YOU I WILL

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar
I crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage
I want to be exposed
And not be afraid to fall

I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
AND CANNONBALL INTO THE WATER
I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
FOR YOU I WILL
ALWAYS WANT WHAT YOU CAN'T HAVE
BUT I GOT TO TRY
I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
FOR YOU I WILL, FOR YOU I WILL, FOR YOU I WILL

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood, I would
And shout out your name so it echoes in every room
I would

That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
To get through to you

I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
AND CANNONBALL INTO THE WATER
I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
FOR YOU I WILL
ALWAYS WANT WHAT YOU CAN'T HAVE
BUT I GOT TO TRY
I'M GONNA MUSTER EVERY OUNCE OF CONFIDENCE I HAVE
FOR YOU I WILL, FOR YOU I WILL, FOR YOU I WILL


yeaaaahhhh sorry about the caps but i just wanted to put this song in here. i frekin love it.
teddy geiger :: for you i will

Did I disappoint you?
Or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty?
Or let the judges frown?
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun
Yes I saw you were blunt and I knew I had won

So I took what's mine
By tunnel right
Took your soul out into the night
It maybe over but it won't stop there
I am here for you
If you'd only care

You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
Love is blind and that i knew and
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips and held your hand
Shared your dreams and shared you bed
I know you well i know your smell
I've been addicted to you

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me

I am a dreamer
And when I wake
You can't break my spirit its my dreams you take
And as you move on
Remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the father of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears and you know mine
We've had our doubts but now we're fine
And I love you I swear thats true
I cannot live without you





morgan is sitting in my lap for the first time since i go her. must be because im eating a roast beef sandwhich. even my cat uses me for something =-(

can we talk about how my life is in frekin upheaval? please. i feel like i need to rip everything off the walls in my room and take everything apart and reorganize and label and color code and pack and move things and make it feel less crowded and stuffy in here. thats when i KNOW im in trouble, when my whole life feels cluttered. i need to start cutting things out that arent important to me..starting with one of my damn jobs. or maybe both. i could live without working for a while. so im fomulating a new plan and we'll see how it all unfolds. i feel the urge to clean everything. and i just dont have the time. i want everything to be put in its place including things in my life that are unsettled. i just dont know about anything anymore and i hate that. i want some answers. i want things to work out and be solved when i work at them instead of just crashing and burning like always. i want some me time. i want no one here but me so i can clean and organize and get my life back on track. i swear i had a plan. my life was going somewhere but i feel like i got lost on the way there and now im traveling down some back road looking at all the trees and the dirt and rocks and thinking to myself hm this looks familiar as i continue to walk aimlessly in the wrong direction. (and we all know my awesome ability to continually get lost while traveling anywhere..) sigh. cant i just take a break from like for like a week or two and sleep away these feelings? i'll put someone else in charge of my life for a little bit and when i wake up from my nice rest they can have things all back on track and planned out for me. it was so much easier being a devout Christian cause then i always figured God would take care of me..you know, slap my hand a little when i walked off the path "no amanda wrong way" that type of deal. but really He sits up in His perfect world and watches me wander just long enough so i start to feel like im going crazy. then theres a huge revelation..ohhhhhhhhhhh THATS what im supposed to be doing with my life. stupid me. yeah, i really need a break. my randomness is beginning to take over and that cannot be a good thing.

Your Aura is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own. Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

yaaaayyy purple is my favorite color. and i feel the description fits me well. i even picked a good profession. go me.

honestly can my life be in any more of an upheaval? what happened to having things planned out and them working out exactly like that? guess people were telling the truth when they said when you plan things out they never seem to happen that way. blah.

ive been so lazy lately. its senioritious and i have it bad. i guess i'll just have to play catch up over spring break since everyone else will be gone and i will be stuck in my lovely apartment alone. i really wish i could be going on vacay but theres just no way it would have worked out. thats fine. i'll make my own vacation with my computer and the lovely collegiate hall pool alllllllllll by myself. anyone who wants to join feel free..i'll be there pretty much every morning.

im so lonely. soooooooooooo lonely. i feel as though there is honestly no one that can really make me feel loved except my family. boys continue to dissapoint me every day of my life. i try to put my energy and time into relationships i think are going places, but other parties dont seem to think im important enough to spare time for. im just tired of trying so hard for no reason. life would be easier if i could have an arranged marriage. mmkay?

im in the mood to cuddle. who wants to join?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so tired. i hate working. i need to just quit and learn to relax.

heres my new life philosophy:

you cant control your own fate. think of how many twists and turns and backtracks there would be from all the times you changed your mind and thought your meaning was down another path. you would never get where you were meant to be at that rate.

how precious.

so tomorrow is valentines day and im not looking forward to it. i dont really feel like opening the frekin resturant and probably being there until close and standing at the door and asking every cutsy couple coming in carrying dozens of roses and assorted other flowers and chocolates "how many do you have tonight" like i dont already know the answer to that question. but im not bitter =-P

i hate mar for not working. im going to bed so i can get up at work out at 630. AWESOME. goodnight.

i love elizabeth. she is my hero.









you cant force people to be a certain way. they are who they are so either love them or leave them.








no matter how hard you try or how much you sacrafice, you can never make some people happy. just put your heart into it and do your best and people will either accept it at that or go through life never satisfied with anyone.

i am so sick of everyone talking about everyone else. i thought we got over that when we graduated high school. if you have a problem with me come talk to me not 57 thousand other people until pretty soon everyone in the world knows all the drama in my life. i frekin hate it.

im really really really over working. i want to quit both my jobs and drop out of school and leave for good. someplace far away. where no one will ever find me because that would be the most wonderful thing that ever happend to life. im over everyone and their crap. dont involve me in your drama, dont pretend like i create drama for you, dont mention my name unless its to say something nice and even then i dont really know if i want anyone talking about me.

i love how my loan check got sent to my house even though all my other mail from usf gets sent to my apartment. i frekin hate this school.

i feel a nervous/emotional breakdown coming on soon. lets hope im not at work or at school when it happens. id rather just wait until im in the comfort of my own home so i can lay in my own bed and comfortm myself. not like anyone else cares if im upset anyways. they just say aw manders i hope you feel better. no you dont. you really dont care or you would do something to try and fix it. sigh. whatever i really dont care anymore. ive come to the realization that no matter how hard i try everyone always expects something more from me. and i dont have any more to give. every ounce of my energy is put towards something and i can feel that my whole body is completely drained of its energy..but still people are like well can you just help me out with this..well can you just do this for me. when will people learn to recognize a truely beyond stressed out, emotionally, physically, and mentally drained person? obviously never.

my life is too full.

sorry if i dont talk to anyone as much or write in here as much anymore but every second of my day is dedicated to something. i wish i had time to clean my house. i wish i had time to go food shopping. i wish i had time period.

i talked to my parents today and i commented to my dad that this full day internship thing was really gonna drain me and he said i should go to bed earlier. i love my dad but i dont think he understands how hard im trying. how can i go to bed any earlier than 1130 when i have to work till 10 on the day before i go to internship..and i still have to come home and shower and pack my things and make lunch and do homework? i dont have time. i dont have time to sleep. i try the best i can. 7 hours is golden when i can get it. goodbye social life, im much more concerned with sleeping more than 3 hours a night.

i gave myself a tension headache. wonderful.

what happened to the simple days of my life? every day i must remind myself..amanda your doing it to yourself so deal with it or get over it. so thats my rant. now im sucking it up.

live is wonderful. life is great.

i want someone who wants me all the time not just when im hard to get.
i deserve someone whos really into me.
i want someone to love me for who i am no matter what my mood is that day.
i want to be with someone who wants me to be happy.
i deserve to know that im loved just by the way he looks at me.
i want someone who is romantic.
i deserve to be with someone who thinks there is nothing better than having me in their life.
i want someone who will be there for me.
i want someone who wont be jealous because they know i dont want to be with anyone else.
i deserve someone who will forgive me.
i want someone who knows that im not perfect, but im trying my best.
i want someone who thinks the world of me.
i deserve to be with someone who thinks im beautiful in a dress..in jeans..in pajamas..naked..no matter what.
i want to be in an adult relationship.
i want to be with someone who respects that i dont always know what i want.
i deserve someone who is patient.
i want to be with someone who loves kids.
i deserve someone who doesnt just want to sleep with me.
i want someone who wants to travel the world.
i want to be with someone who loves animals.
i deserve someone who babies me when im sick and makes me breakfast in bed.


i dont know what i want in life sometimes. i dont really know why i wrote all this stuff. i was just thinking about it at work. im random. haha. annddd im out.

im really hoping this semester is not gonna be a difficult one. i know im going to be busy and stuff because i work too much and im taking a class that i really dont need..buuutttttt i think i can do it so im not that worried. my classes dont look as demanding as i thought they were gonna be so thats good. i can breathe a little easier..for this week at least.

sooo ive been doing pretty good keeping up with my workout schedule. yeah its only been like 4 days, but thats better than ive BEEN doing. i just need to keep it consistant.

wow its only when i try to write a journal article that i realize how boring my life is. i dont really have anything to talk about. which is good because at least im keeping the drama away for the time being. YAY. me and liz are sharing my new sheets. theyre very soft. and made of bamboo. random i feel, but fun.

erin wore two different shoes to dinner tonight and didnt realize it. that was my amusment for the day. haha.

i think if i could have any job in the world i would be a professional shopper. no im kidding. i would be a forensic scientist. liz would be an astronomical physicist.

so you may have noticed that im trying not to complain so much in my journals anymore. yay good for me. those entries will just be private from now on. hahahahahha. and i can vent to people at work (mar..ooooo youre so lucky!) i really want a dog. a puppy. i might have to steal marks because i love puppies so much. im done with my boring entry. goodnight all =-)

i like having days off work. its actually very stress releiving. who woulda thought that days away from the rude demading customers (and employees) of carrabas and time away from the screaming crying smelly kids (and coworkers) at the YMCA would actually relax me.

yyaaaaayyy its almost my bday and im so excited. im gonna be 22 and im starting to feel old. i feel like i just turned 21 last month and now im already 22. im kinda excited..i only hope i can go out and enjoy my birthday with no drama for once. im feeling that maybe it should be only girls so as to avoid any unwanted guests and rude comments =-) not that i have that many female friends so it'll be a small party if its just us girls..but itll still be fun. oh well i have like a week to decide.

home is okay. im not really sure what to do with my time but its nice to not be rushing around everywhere like in tampa. i got some really good gifts for xmas (including my AWESOME tickets to see wicked!) now who to bring..??? maybe my mom. i dont really know anyone else that wants to see the musical.

ummm what else do i randomly wish to talk about? i didnt get any of the books i wanted to read for xmas so as soon as my bday is over im heading to the bookstore to buy them all. i need to keep myself entertained when im not working one of my jobs or going to internship or going to class or training for my marathon. haha..yeah.

ohhhhhhhhhh so im still looking for marathon partners..any takers? any? come on guys..its a super good way to get in shape! my moms doing it so you can do it too. think about it and get back to me. hahahahaha..yeah right.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooo i think im done with my rambling now. who wants to take me out to a dinner date for my bday? hahahahahhaha kidding guys, kidding. =-)

mmkay guys im not gone! im really here..just trying to find time to actually have a life since i have 479002367872321 exams and projects to get done. buuutttt after tuesday all i have is work so im good to go and hang out =-) yaaaayyyy i know you guys are ALL super excited. annddd heres the best part..i get to go home for 5 straight days with no work at all woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo im so excited. i need a break.

in other news..im getting sick. really fun since its almost xmas and i wanted to actually be well this year. guess thats not happening. ummm what else is new? me and my arielle pie are now married because we figured it was easier to marry than to worry about boys the rest of our lives.

i have no deep thoughts for anyone today b/c all ive done since 2pm is study for my chaucer final and my head is SUPER crammed with facts about the caterbury tales. ask me anything about chaucer and i can tell ya. damn exam is only worth 40 points..how much does that suck! okay and im done. im so tired and my brain is fried so i cant think anymore.

marinella! GET YOUR DAMN BOOK! i will hunt you down and find you if you dont come get it. it will find you..you cant hide

worked both jobs today for the first time. im so tired. they made me do the babies today by myself at the YMCA which wasnt as bad as i thought. i was afraid to get trampled but i didnt so that was good. i had a super good talk today with jennifer (from carrabbas) today while she closed and i ate all my food. (haha). i just realized theres a lot in life im missing..which isnt necessarily a bad thing (and i think i spelled that word wrong but im too lazy to look it up so its staying spelled like that).

went to mikes party. that proved to be interesting. saw him. talked..which is good. i miss that..
i know things arent gonna be good right away but it makes my heart hurt a lot. =-( things may never be the same again..and that would possibly kill me..then again it would be on my shoulders..i dont wanna think about it.

so i decided theres a lot in my life that needs to be changed/worked on if im ever going to be really happy again. so im gonna work on that. theres a lot i can do to be a better person.

ummm i dunno what else to talk about. i think im gonna go see the bodies exhibit on monday at MOSI so im super excited. hopefully jen still wants to go and erin goes..and maybe other people i invited with go..(crosses fingers) haha im a dork. you cant blame a girl for trying though, right? okay i need to go to bed. im meeting vanessa at the gym at 10 and its almost 4. i gotta get up at 930 and since im going home tomorrow i wont have time for a nap. no one in my house lets me sleep. so goodnight to all. and ill leave with a wonderful song. i dont even remember who sings it or anything..i just have the lyrics saved and i read it the other night and its perfect so here it is..



It's hopeless now
It seems that there's nothing left
I don't care anymore
this failure that surrounds me I accept
Because I can't be all the things I want to without you
And it won't help to watch you smile without me.
And begging to hold on
I desperately try to remove
memories of moments that I thought you were happy
And I pretend not to care
I hope you're miserable without me
But that's not love nor true
You could not be better off now
I'm waiting for the day when I'd forget you
But I don't know if its right to hate this through
When you're the only one I see who truly keeps me here
But all you've left me is alone
And I miss you now
When all I can do is wish it wasn't this way
wish it wasn't too late
So is it wrong to ask for a second chance?
To prove my regret
To make up for the world


the end. oh happy birthday mikey! =-)
now really the end.














* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

be blessed. be loved. be lifted high. be treasured here. be glorified. i owe my life to You, my Lord. here i am..knees to the earth.

everyone has their faults. and love--- whether it be friendship love, soulmate love, or romantic true love--- is about learning to look over, above, around, and under those flaws and see the perfect person when all those not so perfect things have been stripped away.

there is no "perfect" person that possesses all the right characteristics and personality traits that will make you fall madly in love with them. even mr/ms right has something that youre not gonna like about them. when people tell me "oh no, not my boyfriend/girlfriend..theyre perfect in every way" i want to laugh in that persons face because the only reason your significant other is so "perfect" is because you have learned to accept that fact that there are things about each other that you all dont like, but you can deal with that because theyre small matters compared to how you feel about each other. and when you can get to that point in your life with someone..then you can tell me you are in love and i will believe you. im a firm believer in the fact that you cant just love every single person you date. you have love for them..you feel strongly about them..but you are only IN LOVE two people in your life your first love and your mate. (NO EXCEPTIONS.) you may think its love..but check again honey. i laugh at all these little girls who put in their away messages that they are so much in love with their new boyfriend of 5 days.

(please read with an extremely high pitched squeeky girl voice full of sarcasm) "we are so happy. we are gonna get married and have babies and even get a mini van!"

youre wrong. did you catch that? YOU ARE WRONG. sorry. and im not being bitter..im just being honest. im not even thinking this in a bitter and hostile way. (which is slightly unusual for me. haha) but really..can you honestly think that when you are very young and you are dating someone much older than you that you are going to be together forever? with a very rare few exceptions, i would have to say that you wont be. and thats not a bad thing..because if you would have stayed "together forever" with your boyfriend when you were that young, maybe you would have missed out on some really awesome guy that you crossed paths with 5 years later when youre 20 and already married because you thought you found "the one". and wouldnt that suck for you. for all you know you could have lived a much better life.

for sooooo long i have put this timeline on my life and i keep telling myself i am running out of time to find my perfect man so i can get married, have kids, and start my life. HELLO SELF wake upppp! start life?! arent i living life right now?! wtf am i thinking!!!! i keep putting that as my ultimate goal in life because its something i do eventually want to accomplish. and i know that i am a woman so i have a biological clock that will eventually stop one day and i will no longer be able to have babies. and what shall i do if i dont get married till after that? adopt. theres always answers but for some reason my small mindedness has me thinking that i only have 3 more years to find someone or i will never be happy in life. sooooo my new thing this year..and from now on. im just gonna do my own thing. im going to actually STUDY instead of being worried about all my "guy issues" because..i wont have any =-) if i find a guy, thats wonderful, good for me, hopefully it will last. and if i dont..maybe next year..or maybe in 5 years..maybe never. (shutters) but ya know what..for as much as i dont want to be alone the rest of my life, i also dont want to be with just anyone simply because theyre "here" and convenient. if i date someone i want it to simply be because i cant see myself living without that person in my life. and i feel so mean for being like that because (and not like this happens to me..because really it doesnt) a lot of times guys pretty much throw themselves at women and try to shower them with love and affection. but if i cant see myself with you 5 years down the road or we dont agree on how to raise kids or even where we would live if we ever moved in together..im sorry but i just cant be with you. and guys take that very offensively. but hello, open your eyes mr. im-so-bitter-i-just-got-rejected..maybe youre future wife is sitting quitely in the back of one of your classes and you dont even know her yet. and when you meet her, wont you be happy that someone like me turned you down because otherwise you would have never met the girl of your dreams.

this is a super long post but really i just kept thinking about all this stuff for the past few days and i just felt like writing all of it down before i forgot. really, i dont care if you dont agree with what i wrote because its my journal and i write what i want. thats why my name is at the top and not yours =-) feel free to comment but if its negative or i dont like it, i'll probably just delete it cause im a bitch like that. haha.. no im kidding. hope you had fun with all that random stream of consciousness above. hope it was slightly entertaining. im off to read my chaucer now since i was supposed to do that an hour ago. bye for now.